It has been three and a half months since my oldest son passed from this life. This coming Sunday, 9/6/09 would have been his 18th birthday. My cell phone gave me a startling buzz this morning when I put it on, alerting me, as it was set to do, that a birthday on my calendar was four short days away. It of course, brought immediate tears to my eyes.
It probably would not have been
as bad had it not been for the previous series of dreams I had mere hours earlier.
I will say I am glad to have not been plagued all this time with sad dreams, as some have reported having. I have heard many stories of people who have had dreams of "closure" after losing loved ones. I had one such dream, within a week of his passing. It was very odd, but did provide a sort of closure.
However, last night, I had another, this one less dramatic. I was simply with Jonathan, and he was doing something on the computer. I just sat beside him, amazed to be back with him, and I kept just rubbing his foot and leg, glad to feel him physically again. I kept wishing we would stand up in the dream so I could wrap my arms around him and hug him again. I woke up weeping greatly, of course.
I soon went back to sleep, and found myself in another dream with Jonathan. This time we were standing, and I immediately wrapped myself around him and just held him close. Again, I woke up weeping, but somewhat happy for the experience.
Well, after last night, I was inspired to finish writing a poem/song that I had long ago started putting to paper. I got it to a place where it feels presentable, though maybe not 100% completed. I present it here in it's current form, just to basically "dump" it out of my system as a release. I have carried it around for weeks and weeks, so it is good to finally be able to release it somewhat. It is basically a recap of my last day with Jonathan:
You Woke Up in Heaven
The day was spent to get you well
You were so tired, I sure could tell
"How are you doing" I ask again
"You worry too much" you say and grin
I held you up for the exam
Just lean on me, until this ends
As we drove home you were so mad
Another issue it seems you had
Lay down your head and get some rest
Tomorrow morning you'll feel your best
But how was I supposed to know?
That off to heaven you would go
You woke up in heaven that morning
God took your hand and led you home
And though I'm sad and crying in pain
I'm sure happy for you all the same
Now I sit in pain and grief
My mind still swims in disbelief
I hear your voice, still see your face
And wish I too, could finish this race
I long to stand right by your side
To take your hand and be your guide
To teach you things you did not know
For now I'll wait down here below
You woke up in heaven that morning
God took your hand and led you home
And now dear God, please give me strength
To live my life, whatever it's length
Eighteen years ago today, my life drastically changed. On 9/6/91 our first born child Jonathan was given to us by the grace of God, and we were parents at last. The past eighteen years were filled with the typical ups and downs of parenting, and our other five little blessings came along too.
