Memories: Pleasure and Pain

Every year, my church has a retreat on this weekend where we go to a 4H camp and stay in cabins, and have teaching sessions, games, family fun, dancing, sports, swimming, and great fellowship. We have been going yearly I guess for the past six years, and the kids look forward to it each year. It is a great time with many great memories.

Last year, I didn't get to go with the family, since my band had multiple gigs that weekend. I have still not lived that down. My family was again excited this time, but the kids were even more excited since I would be going with them for the majority of the weekend. While my band has a large exposure show on the Sunday of this weekend, I am still able to attend for Friday night, all day Saturday, and after my early morning gig, will return to finish out the entire Sunday afternoon with the family before coming home tomorrow night. 

Confessions of a Madman

Yesterday marked the sixth month since the unexpected passing of my first-born child, Jonathan. The last six months has been a roller coaster ride emotionally as many of you have read on here; a ride I still seem to be on.

During this time, I have developed quite a drinking problem, that only a few very close friends and family members are even aware of. The bad thing is, not only am I drinking harsh stuff, but some of the worst type of harsh stuff that has added poisoning ingredients. I have tried in recent times to stop, but have been unsuccessful. So I post it here publicly in case anyone else wishes to share their experiences with this type of problem.

Hi, my name is Jeff McCormack, and I am a Coke-a-holic. My soda of choice is Diet Coke, or even better, Coke Zero (especially Vanilla or Cherry Coke Zero). You see, soda is bad enough, with all the chemicals, acid and things that drain the minerals right out of your body. If you switch to diet brands, yes, the reduced sugar is one huge advantage (especially to someone pre-diabetic like myself), but you still get the chemicals, the acid, and the added poisonous artificial sweeteners. But, for someone who comes from a lifetime of prior soda addiction, this is a better way to go than sticking with the original. The lesser of two evils, I guess.

HA! So, I was just grabbing your attention. Yes, I do drink more diet soda these days than in times past, but honestly, it is a vice I am willing to live with at this time.

But yes, yesterday was the six month point since Jonathan passed. I can't say things have really gotten any better in my emotional mind yet, I still have issues - daily, mainly when things get quit and my mind slows down. In some ways, the length of time has made things worse. As I mentioned in a post on this topic some months ago, I still kind of feel like Jonathan is a fallen comrade, that I left on the side of the road while I went to get help. The further I get away from him time wise, the more I feel I can never make it back to help him before it is too late. I know, this is weird thinking, I agree, and I can't stand the way my mind works sometimes. I wonder if some kind of happy-pills could fix this (even though the side effects of such pills seem much worse...lol).

Intellectually, I can grasp it....theologically I can grasp it. He is not "left behind" nor is he stuck in need of saving somewhere. He is much better off than when he was her suffering in his weakened state. I can praise the Lord that he brought Jonathan into our covenant family, and that Jonathan never strayed from keeping the truth. I can rest assured that God is faithful and just, and that Jonathan's trust in the saving work of Christ alone ushered him into the very presence of our Heavenly Father for all eternity. All of this is good and all, but my selfish heart and mind have to be forced to think about this side of things.

While I know I should be happy and excited as to the way every little piece of this scenario went down as peaceful and quickly as it did (which my intellectual self is happy about), that is not my mind's first inclination. I am too selfishly wrapped up in missing him, in seeing him, in sharing with him. I still see his facial expression, I still see him sitting at my desk doing my book store packaging, I still hear him grumbling and complaining over certain things. The memories flood in daily, too much to allow the pleasant things I should be thinking, and instead flood my mind with pain and grief.

So, I drink soda as an outlet (sounds like a good excuse, right?).

I really wish I had the mental abilities to follow in the steps of the great King David. For those of you not familiar with the story from 2 Samuel 12, David committed a great sin, and it brought judgment from God upon him in the promise that his son that Uriah's wife had just had with him would not live. When the child became deathly ill, David spent seven days fasting and praying. On the seventh day, the child died, and when David found out:

Then David got up from the ground, washed himself, put on lotions, and changed his clothes. Then he went to the Tabernacle and worshiped the LORD. After that, he returned to the palace and ate. His advisers were amazed. "We don’t understand you," they told him. "While the baby was still living, you wept and refused to eat. But now that the baby is dead, you have stopped your mourning and are eating again." David replied, "I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I said, ‘Perhaps the LORD will be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me."

I too long for the day when my emotions get out of the way of my intellect and I can say all is well, the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, and I am blessed none the less. For now, I struggle still, and appreciate all of the prayers and thoughts that so many of you have sent our way.

So, I toast you all ... raise your Coke high and enjoy the burning sensation as it runs down your throat! To God be the Glory...Great things he had done!

Already Gone (Ken Ham) - (Pt 2)

I finished the book I began discussing previously, but rather than posting additional posts as I went along, I decided to blow through it and give a recap. A couple of findings they discovered with the survey was:

• Only 11% stop attending church during college years (most of us assume it is college that shakes their faith)


• Almost 90% of those leaving the church, do so during the middle to high school years


• Not much variance between those in public school, or those in Christian or home schools


• "Sunday school is actually more likely to be detrimental to the spiritual and moral health of our children."

The book is filled with statistics, and breakdown charts of statistics, and can boggle the mind in trying to keep up, but in the end, the point is made. There is an issue, and it stems between a worldview teaching of the Bible's authority and validity versus modern science.

The issue seems to boil down to a two part mindset. Church teaches us moral and spiritual issue and stories. Science and school teach us relevant life facts. Sunday school and youth programs have given the parents the door to shrug off much of the spiritual instruction of their children, and what little they do get in church tends to be Bible stories and Biblical morality.

In many cases, when we look at what is being taught in the Sunday schools, we're just teaching on an inspirational or moral level.

In many cases, they are getting two lessons on a Sunday, and neither are really relevant to them. It's not just Sunday school, it's the sermon, the VBS, it's most of the teaching programs - they are not helping them in the postmodern culture where it is becoming the norm to attack and marginalize Christians. They are not coping - they are not able to cope - they haven't been trained to cope.

If you look at some of the "hard" questions people in the world ask, you have to see that most churches are not educating the children to answer them. There is no real concerted effort to bring our children up with the ability to combat the attacks on the Bible and it's history. Are your children able to answer and defend against questions like:

• How do you know God exists>


• Where did God come from?


• Hasn't science disproved the Bible?


• What about ape-men?


• How did Noah get all the animals on the ark?


• What about carbon dating?


• How come dinosaurs have nothing to do with the Bible or church?


• How can the earth only be a few thousand years old when it "looks" so old?

After a while in school, on the edge of adulthood, there begins this disconnect:

The facts are relevant; faith is not. If you want to learn something that's real, important, and meaningful, you do that at school. If you want to learn something that is lofty and emotional, you do that at church. At school, they teach you about everything - fossils, dinosaurs, marriage (different views, gay marriage, etc.), sex, the origin of life, what is "right" and "wrong," different religions - they learn about everything!

The issue boils down to an issue of authority - biblical authority. If the Bible is held as authoritative, then our view of things outside of it have to be in conformity to the authority of the Word. We need to be teaching our young children about this authority, and give them clear answers to the challenges the world seeks to attack with.

In our survey, we asked the thousand young adults who have left the Church if they believed that all the accounts and stories in the Bible are true and accurate. Of those, 44 percent said no, 38 percent said yes, and 18 percent didn't know...

...82 percent of those who said they did not believe all accounts and stories in the Bible are true and accurate did so because of doubts about the authority of the Bible.

Responding to these attacks on the Bible should be at the forefront of our attempts to restore relevancy to the Word of God and make our churches relevant to this generation.

Some very good points are made when examining what modern churches do to stay "relevant" and appealing to the younger masses, but it is all just a band-aid that does not heal the deep issue that exists. It is a short term fix in most all cases.

The education in church tends to be more Bible stories, than application of it to the world, science, etc. We send our children out without the ability to defend their beliefs, and they get shredded and turned away.

True spiritual growth and a healthy church all start with an individual - with you -accepting the Word of God for what it is - the absolute authority - and treating it accordingly. The Bible from Genesis to Revelation is the living Word of God. The written, uncompromised Word of God in your mind and the presence of the Holy Spirit of Christ in your heart is the pure essence of Christianity. When you gather together a group of people with that, "church happens."

Other issues examined are the church's "relevance" as an institution, and the many issues that turn people away from the church on the corner (hypocrisy, political strife, etc.). Much more is covered, and I found this to be a good read. It fired me up to take action, to desire to teach my children and others, the deeper things outside of simple Bible stories.

We must take a position to be in the Word ourselves, always ready to give an answer for our faith, and we must pass that on to our children. Don't simply allow Sunday school to be our children's only exposure to biblical teaching, it won't be deep enough. For those who homeschool, step up the depth of study when it comes to conforming the biblical teachings with the world of science.

A couple of the suggested resources in the appendix of this book include:

• Always Ready - Greg Bahnsen


• The Ultimate Proof of Creation - Jason Lisle


• The New Answers Book (Vol 1 & 2) - Ken Ham

and many more.

Please post all comments below on the actual blog. Thank you!

Already Gone (Ken Ham) - (Pt 1)

I am in the beginning stages of reading a book that I believe will turn out to be very interesting, and hopefully enlightening. I carry the book through my bookstore, and from all I have heard, and from my wife's review (yes, she finished it before me...again), it is well worth you looking into. This is especially true if you are a church leader, a parent, or anyone involved with education of children. The book is entitled "Already Gone: Why your kids will quit church and what you can do to stop it" and is written by Ken Ham and Britt Beemer. Britt Beemer works for America's Research Group and specializes in statistics, which help to determine human nature trends. For this book, they questioned and studied 1000 American people, between the ages of 20-30, who were brought up regularly attending a conservative, evangelical church, but were now no longer active in attendance, prayer or personal Bible reading.

The trend in America is seen as matching what has already taken place in churches throughout the UK. The UK used to have a flourishing church life, and looking throughout history at the abundance of spiritual knowledge that has spawned from this area, and that obviously later led to America, we have great ties there that are worth examining. America has always been deemed a nation blessed by God, and has shown tremendous spiritual life in it's fairly short lived existence, but the trend shows a great decline, similar to what has already happened in the UK.

The basic surface level results to the inquiry, show a breakdown of the top reasons these young adults have discontinued attending, and include reasons like: boring services, legalism, hypocrisy in leaders, too political, self-righteous people, Bible not relevant, among other less common reasons. But, in digging deeper, with more probing questions, seeking reasons behind the confusion and frustrations, the book found startling results that will probably shock the readers as much as it did the researchers.

I only just got to the beginning of the first major issue they found, and until I finish exploring all they say about it, I won't divulge anything on it here yet. I hope to blog additional findings as I continue through this book, and hope it is found useful, and helpful to stop this bleeding of our churches.

Pick up the book, read along, and post your comments as I explore the book here.

Proceed to PART 2

The Mind of Madness...

Last week the family and I went on vacation down to visit family in North Carolina. This is about the fourth time my family has made the trip, but it was my first time finally being able to go with them. For one reason or another, I have never been able to go with them. Last year's trip was the first time that my family stayed in our timeshare during the trip, and they had a blast. I experienced the trip through the many photos and videos. The trip last year was the week of May 10-17, so this years trip was a bit later in the year. Maybe the date stands out to you, but probably not. Dates have become very much an "issue" for me lately, and seeing the photos from last year, dated that week in May, well, maybe it is just my twisted mind..

Since I had seen the many photos of the kids fishing last year, once we arrived and went fishing it all came to life to me. Unfortunately, one of the key photo subjects was not with us this time, and it was all that was on my mind as I relived the photo memories in person now. (Comparison photos from this years trip can/should be viewable to the public for a while by clicking HERE on my Facebook page.

Later in the week, we made the trip to the aquarium, which had also been visited by the family the year before. I again had experienced this previous visit through the photos and video clips. One of the first displays that hit me hard was the alligator. The kids again climbed on it, but all I could see when I looked, was Jonathan sitting there with his arm in the alligators mouth. Probably this, being added upon the already heightened emotional status of the prior events, made me noticeably somber for the aquarium trip (my wife assumed I was being grumpy because I am no real fan of such "nature" trips...lol).

Now, do not get me wrong. I did not mope around and cry the whole trip. We had a great time, and it was the first time that I can recall in many years (if ever) that we went on a vacation for any length of time where we really had nothing to do but relax. Unlike the 2007 trip to Disney where it was run, run, run, this trip was do what we want when we want, for the most part. We slept in almost every day (well, they slept in, I used the early morning time of peace and quiet to do some much desired reading...completing three previous started books). We fished, we swam, we shopped, we visited the in-laws, but nothing was on any specific time table. It was nice to get to spend such exclusive time with the kids, and I think we all had a good time.

We returned right before the weekend, so we had the weekend to recover before starting the new work week. Our church had a picnic Sunday after church. I ended up getting sick Saturday evening, so I was unable to attend church or the picnic that followed. I used this almost entire day alone, to rest and read. I did however, decide that this quiet time might be a good time to disassemble the photo board we made for the memorial service for my son Jonathan (pictured in a previous post). It had been folded up behind the couch ever since the memorial service ended, and we wanted to remove the photos to put them all into a dedicated photo album with other keep sakes and memorable pieces. I knew it was going to be a hard task, and I knew my wife would have a hard time with it, as she had often asked me to help her get it done.

So, I did it, but it wasn't pretty. I guess doing this, on the back of the already mentioned grievous vacation times just made matter worse. With each photo I removed, memory after memory of "better" times flooded my mind...and of course the tears flowed and flowed. (Yeah, I said it, I cried, but I AM a man...lol). One of the toughest ones was one with my mother holding Jonathan. My mother passed away in 2002, so seeing a photo of both of them, now being gone, just hit me pretty hard.

I made it through, and immediately jumped back into reading to get my mind off of it all. If not, being home alone, I would be really depressed and mope around even worse. My stinking melancholy temperament always attacks me when I get alone, and the littlest thing sets it off usually...not that it needed anything else this time.

The thing with dates, and this is where my madness is the strangest I guess, is that whenever I see a date prior to May 17th, it immediately screams at me of a time when I still had my son with me. At my office at work, I have iTunes installed on my computer, with a couple hundred songs that I play randomly through the day as I work. For those of you not familiar with iTunes, it has a column out beside each song, with stats, which includes one for the last time the song was played. Many times a day I look at the player to identify the artist or song/album titles that is playing, and I see that date. Any date prior to May 17th chokes me up for a moment and I immediately think "I last heard this song when Jonathan was still alive."

Likewise, when I see or hear dates anywhere else, a similar thing happens. I do not know if this is in anyway common, or something anyone else might experience. I can only compare to those around me, and this type of thing does not happen with my wife. Shoot, she barely remembers what day it is, has to think hard to remember her own age, and has no clue of when our anniversary is, or how many years we have been married. So, the date game is not an issue with her, to say the least (sorry honey for picking on you...I love you...lol).

Tuesday my family went back to the home school co-op school for classes, and Jonathan's art teacher met my wife in the hall, and turned over to us yet another batch of Jonathan's artwork from the previous school year. Add another memory moment to the already heightened memory meter for the week. oh, and the other odd thing, is that this same art teacher lost her husband...May 17th, 2008...one year to the date, prior to Jonathan's death, so that has always been a bit mind boggling. The date game drive me further into madness, but I guess it always will.

Well, I won't go on, I know some of you are probably tired of my constant grieving on here, and I understand. I just wanted to share and get this weeks story off my chest. I do hope to return to writing here more frequently, both on personal life matters, as well as further theological topics.

I have once again begun reading some of the more challenging topics, and have acquired a couple more titles dealing with topics previous discussed on prior blog postings. I am hoping to be more frequent in my blogging here, and I thank each and everyone of you who take the time to read the words of a simple madman like me.

Many of you read through links on Facebook, and leave comments on Facebook itself about my posts. I appreciate every comment, but would appreciate it even more if you would leave your comments right here, below, on the blog itself. That will preserve them linked to the article permanently, unlike how they disappear on Facebook.

Thank you

Today in History

Eighteen years ago today, my life drastically changed. On 9/6/91 our first born child Jonathan was given to us by the grace of God, and we were parents at last. The past eighteen years were filled with the typical ups and downs of parenting, and our other five little blessings came along too.

As most everyone knows, my life drastically changed yet again on May 17th of this year when my first born "mysteriously" passed away. Life has not been the same, and it never will be, but we push on...day by day. Today would have been my son's 18th birthday...an achievement age in most everyone's life. We were truly blessed to have had him in our possession for the time we did, and though I miss him terribly each and every day, I occasionally try to smile, knowing he is no longer suffering the issues he had while on this earth. I long for the day when I will see him again in our Father's heavenly kingdom.

Happy birthday my dear son...I love you and miss you so very much.

You Woke Up in Heaven

It has been three and a half months since my oldest son passed from this life. This coming Sunday, 9/6/09 would have been his 18th birthday. My cell phone gave me a startling buzz this morning when I put it on, alerting me, as it was set to do, that a birthday on my calendar was four short days away. It of course, brought immediate tears to my eyes.

It probably would not have been as bad had it not been for the previous series of dreams I had mere hours earlier.

I will say I am glad to have not been plagued all this time with sad dreams, as some have reported having. I have heard many stories of people who have had dreams of "closure" after losing loved ones. I had one such dream, within a week of his passing. It was very odd, but did provide a sort of closure.

However, last night, I had another, this one less dramatic. I was simply with Jonathan, and he was doing something on the computer. I just sat beside him, amazed to be back with him, and I kept just rubbing his foot and leg, glad to feel him physically again. I kept wishing we would stand up in the dream so I could wrap my arms around him and hug him again. I woke up weeping greatly, of course.

I soon went back to sleep, and found myself in another dream with Jonathan. This time we were standing, and I immediately wrapped myself around him and just held him close. Again, I woke up weeping, but somewhat happy for the experience.

Well, after last night, I was inspired to finish writing a poem/song that I had long ago started putting to paper. I got it to a place where it feels presentable, though maybe not 100% completed. I present it here in it's current form, just to basically "dump" it out of my system as a release. I have carried it around for weeks and weeks, so it is good to finally be able to release it somewhat. It is basically a recap of my last day with Jonathan:

You Woke Up in Heaven

The day was spent to get you well
You were so tired, I sure could tell
"How are you doing" I ask again
"You worry too much" you say and grin

I held you up for the exam
Just lean on me, until this ends
As we drove home you were so mad
Another issue it seems you had

Lay down your head and get some rest
Tomorrow morning you'll feel your best
But how was I supposed to know?
That off to heaven you would go

You woke up in heaven that morning
God took your hand and led you home
And though I'm sad and crying in pain
I'm sure happy for you all the same

Now I sit in pain and grief
My mind still swims in disbelief
I hear your voice, still see your face
And wish I too, could finish this race

I long to stand right by your side
To take your hand and be your guide
To teach you things you did not know
For now I'll wait down here below

You woke up in heaven that morning
God took your hand and led you home
And now dear God, please give me strength
To live my life, whatever it's length

Losing My Child: Living In and Through Grief (Pt 7)

So, another set back occurred today...oh joy. We received notice on this past Saturday, that the life insurance check from my son's passing was in the mail. Well, today we received it...YAY!!! Then we opened it, and found it was made out payable to my SON'S name. Well, long story short, it was a typo and the insurance company is reissuing another check ASAP. My hope of using it to kill some of the surrounding debt before the end of the month, has been thwarted. So, I must patiently continue to wait...not one of my strong suits...lol.

OK, to continue in the look at the booklet Good Grief, we come to the seventh stage, which is the feeling of anger and resentment. Supposedly this stage will come after the depression, so I guess I have not been through this as fully as I could be, but I still relate to many aspects of it. While admitting that neither anger nor resentment are good or healthy emotions, they are nonetheless still common for most people, and therefore important to move past them.

When in this stage, we tend to become critical of everything related to the situation. I found this to be the case somewhat, when it came to the whole "what if" scenarios. I found myself questioning and casting blame on doctors, types of treatments, etc. What could have caused this? Who is to blame? What was done wrong, and by whom? These are areas he directly addresses in this chapter. No real solution is given, except to attempt to move from this quickly.

Stage eight is to resist returning to normal activities. I guess to a certain degree I have experienced this. It has to do with feeling like only we remember the great loss we have had, while others around us have returned to life as usual, so we seek to keep the memory (of pain) alive, leading to further depression, and a lack of desire to get on with life and try to get past it. We become too comfortable in our grief, and find it less painful to experiencing new situations in life.

One of the things he touches on in this section, is how people who surround the grieving one tend to make every attempt to avoid the issue...avoid bringing up the lost love one, for fear of bringing up painful emotions. He says that this tends to have the opposite effect, in that it makes the griever think everyone has all but forgotten the lost one. We should be open and free to discussed the one who has passed...to keep the memory alive, and to live and relive the joys of their lives. I often try to bring up my son in conversation with the family, and my other children do not grasp this point, and always think we should not speak of him. They do not bring him up, thinking it will make mom or dad cry again. But we really need to continue living, speaking, and remembering him in our normal conversations.

Stage nine is when things begin to clear up, and the dark clouds begin to break up, and a ray of hope begins to shine through. An example is given of the typical "Hollywood" little old lady who has lost her husband years earlier, and has become a recluse basically. She has kept her husbands belongings exactly as they were, and sits and ponders the memories on through the years, never letting anyone in, or seeking to experience life any further. This is what can happen if we do not move through the stages to reach the days of hope and life again.

Stage ten is to begin reaffirming reality again. We will never be able to return to our old selves again, with great loss comes great changes in life. But we should and can continue on in new experiences, and often, those of great faith will be better suited and able to assist others through similar issues due to their experience. So, in the end, we should come out different, but in ways, better than before.

I pray that I find my way through all of the steps and to this outcome myself. I appreciate those who have continued lifting me, and my family up in prayer during these times. I feel without it, we would not have made it this far. May God continue providing strength to us each minute of each day until I see the clouds break and the sun shine through once again.

This is the end of the examination of this little booklet, and I will return to my continued reading of the R.C. Sproul book Invisible Hand for my personal study on this issue further.
 

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Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
 

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Losing My Child: Living In and Through Grief (Pt 6)

OK, I have been negligent in finishing this up, so let me go ahead and cruise through the remaining sections of the Good Grief booklet. It has now been ten weeks since my son passed away, and I must say, it seems like it has been much longer than it sounds. It some ways it seems an eternity since I last saw him, or talked to him, or just saw him sitting on the computer. Yet, the pain is still very fresh in many ways.

We did, as mentioned in the last post, get the finalized death certificate. All of the insurance has been filed, and so some of that closure is in the process; but the grieving, at least for me, still goes on.

Stage four of the booklet, describes that physical symptoms of distress can occur when grieving. People who have had a major life loss or change, can become so depressed that it can actually begin to give them physical ailments and sickness. I did not connect as much with this section, I guess because I have not remained in a stage of grieving to the point of causing these ailments yet, as it mentions this may happen after a longer period of time. I am hopeful that my grieving and current depression level will not lead to a long enough time to cause this to be a problem (I am hopeful).

Stage five discusses how one may become panicky, concentrating and pondering over the loss to the point of disruption of living. Losing focus, not paying attention, asking people to repeat themselves when they speak with you...always kind of being "out of it" would be descriptive of this stage. Fortunately, I do not feel that I have experienced this phase, and pray to God I never cross over into this. I feel I have maintained a focus on work and my extra curricular activities.

I must admit, my motivation...my creative desire has become more slack or (more) lazy. Not so much in my 8-5 job, but more related to my extra side projects. I tend to spend less time accomplishing things at and around the house, and more time just "vegging out," reading and hanging with the family. Musically, one of my bands has been much more active the past few months, so that has greatly helped keep me going in that area; but the other band is kind of in a creative phase, and honestly, I just am not all there or feeling it. I am hopeful it will pass, but I guess it is a side effect of the depression I still am prone to.

I do not have the panic that this sections starts off with, but I definitely relate practically word-for-word with the last paragraph of this chapter, which states:

To help ourselves through such a period when we can think of nothing but our loss, we must be open to new and different human relationships. At a time like this all we want to do is run away from life. The last thing we care to do is to try anything new. We can think of a hundred different reasons why we prefer to stay at home and be gloomy rather than go out and be forced to be nice to people and think new thoughts. Such an attitude is natural; it is to be expected.

This I feel is me right now. I may not necessarily just sit around being gloomy, but I definitely do not have the motivation to go out and do anything, or meet anyone "new" like this. Actually, on top of the grief issue, other recent experiences with a close "friend" have made me even more desirous to not make any new friends or relationships. At this time, I am content to be with my family and my book "friends." I have no desire to open up to, get close to, or confide in anyone else outside of my current direct circle. Call it depression, or lack of trust in so called "friends," either way, for right now at least, I have no desire for new friends or relationships. So, I guess I may be stuck in a portion of this stage at present.

Stage six discusses the guilt we may feel over the loss. There are two types of guilt, the normal guilt we feel over time not well spent, words not said, etc. We always wish we had a chance to do things over, to do things better, to say "I Love You" more, to spend more quality time with them. This I do feel, and is said to be normal.

The second set of guilt discussed is called neurotic guilt. It states every person will have some of this, and it may be hard to separate which guilt is which when dealing with it. I do admit I have some of this, but feel I have come to terms with it. The example of neurotic guilt that is given is a story of a daughter who spends day and night for a long period of time, by her aged mother's bedside. Finally, the doctors order the girl to go home and get some rest, and she does, and that same night the mother dies.

In my case, it is the "what if" question of why, upon arriving home early that morning (3AM), did I not put the pulse oximeter on my son's finger just to see how his levels were doing? My wife said he had recently stirred and was fine, and I did not want to wake him, so I was simply satisfied with holding his hand and seeing his head move. If I had put the meter on, and had noticed something was wrong (if there was anything wrong at that time of the night, that is) then I would have had him rushed to the hospital, where I am sure he would have been tubed, poked, prodded, stuck, etc. and who knows what other "torture" in the attempt to preserve him. If after all of that he were to still have died, it would have been a most horrible way to go...conscious, fighting, and in discomfort. I am thankful that the Lord directed me to not take steps to further check him and possibly lead to that; but instead my son went very, very peacefully, without a word, without pain, and just slept away.

OK, I will stop for now, and try to cover the last four sections in the next post. I am glad to be re-reading parts of this now and being able to pour out my thoughts here, whether anyone reads them or not, it refreshes my mind on the subject and hopefully helps me make it through some of this time.
 

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Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
 

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Losing My Child: Living In and Through Grief (Pt 5)

Part three of the "Good Grief" book discussed feeling depressed and very lonely. The one thing about this book, is obviously these things do not have to proceed in the order given in the book, nor does everyone experience every step (as I will touch on in future segments). This particular step though, still seems to be lingering some in my process of grief.

The grief tends to make you think no one else has ever grieved as bad as we are. I can't say I have ever felt that way, because I know that no matter how absolutely horrible and painful I feel now, there are plenty of others who have experienced even worse (Job comes to mind for one that I hold up as worse off than me, though even more modern contemporaries could easily be mentioned).

The part of this that does touch base with me some is the feeling of being alone in this pain (even though I am surrounded by family also directly affected). I walk around as if in a haze. It is as if the sun is never shining, and while others around me go on with life as usual, I am stuck under a cloud. I work and work to keep my mind off of it, and do as much as I can to distract myself and enjoy things and people around me, but at the first sign of quiet, my mind drifts back to the reality at hand. In those cases, I tend to feel alone and isolated.

One small point he makes really hit home greatly. He says:

When we are depressed, we find ourselves thinking thoughts we never have otherwise. We say God does not care. We may even doubt there is a God.

I have said previously how it is a battle between the mental and the emotional, and this is exactly it. I know in my mind God is there. I know in my mind God is in control. I know that every aspect of this situation is brought and controlled, down to the minutest detail, by the hand of God, yet emotionally the grief and depression tear away at that knowledge. That is where these books have come in handy, to help remind, shape and mold the emotions to adhere to the logical knowledge of the mental.

This booklet speaks of the eventual end of these "dark days" which seem so far away and impossible while living in them, but I put faith in the fact that they will one day end, and I will see sunshine again. There is a part of me though, that does not want that to happen, as it is almost like I am moving past my son, and forgetting him (which I know will never happen, but again, emotions rage). He states these dark days can last for some people much quicker than other, so who knows how these things will play out.

I have seen comments by some of our friends, feeling helpless as to what they can do to help us through this. Honestly, even I do not know the answers, and when people ask if there is anything we need or anything they can do, I do not have a clue. The books states:

One of the most helpful things we can do for a friend at such a time is to stand by that friend in quiet confidence, and assure him o her that this, too, shall pass. The friend will not believe us at first, and will tell us we do not know what we are talking about. We may even be asked to leave. But the friend usually does not mean it. Once it is realized that our concern is genuine, the quiet assertion of our own confidence in God's continuing care and concern will assist tremendously in the friend's recovery.

Now, whether this is true, I do not know, yet..lol.

I do appreciate all of the prayers and assistance from those around us that have been offered so far. At this time, we must forge on and attempt to live as normally as possible; but we could still use prayer for strength and peace of mind (especially me, as I am much more prone to depression than my wife tends to be). I must say, being able to "unload" some of this here is serving to be somewhat therapeutic, whether anyone reads it or not...it just "gets it out" I guess. Also, working through these books again is giving some comfort thankfully.

As part of a recent "what if" segment in my brain recently, I was struck with an increased awe and thankfulness to God in this situation. What if I had noticed an issue with him those few hours before he was gone? What if I had rushed him to the hospital? I won't go into any real detail as to the horrors my mind went to, but in the end I was ultimately thankful that Jonathan passed so peacefully in his sleep, and not in conscious pain in a hospital, trying to be kept alive through intervention that would have still led to his passing, though in a much more torturous manner. So, the fact that things went the way they did, can be viewed as nothing less than pure mercy from God for both us and our dear son. While I still do not understand how or why he passed when he did, I am thankful that it happened the way it did.

As of today, we are at the end of the sixth week since his passing (in ways it feels so much longer). We were told after the initial autopsy, that the final death certificate would be about six to eight weeks out, awaiting the toxicology results. So, we hope to have a bit of closure in that area any time now. I pray that whatever the outcome, it would somehow provide some closure in my mind mentally and emotionally, and help eliminate some of the "what if" issues that still bounce around inside. His condition was somewhat of a mystery in life, I fear his death may end up being the same...we'll see.
 

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Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
 

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Losing My Child: Living In and Through Grief (Pt 4)

While I know I promised to go through more information on how the little booklet "Good Grief" is being beneficial in the grieving process, I thought it also relevant to point out another book that I began reading last week that has also been found to be a help in this matter. "The Invisible Hand: Do All Things Really Work for Good?" by R.C. Sproul is a book dealing with the providence of God.

I won't go into very much detail at this point, as I have only read the first four chapters so far, but I wanted to touch on it some at this time. Chapter four was read today, and it dealt with the issue of the "What if?" mentality, which as I mentioned in previous post has been one of the aspects that has, and does still plague me. This single chapter helped me to come to grasp with just how much God is in the details of everything. It was quite comforting to say the least.

Now, in continuing with the second chapter in "Good Grief," it looks at the idea that following the state of shock, we tend to fall into a state of emotion. One of the shortest chapters, it talks of the need to let the emotions go, to let it all out, to cry, even if today's culture looks down on men crying.

This chapter didn't hold much advice, since I guess I am not a modern enough man to worry about the crying game. I have cried...daily...for weeks. So, let's call stage two accomplished...or an ongoing process.
 

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Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
 

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My dearest son...I love you!

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning that
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly.
In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone,
for part of us went with you
the day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories.
Your love is still our guide.
And though we cannot see you,
you are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken
and nothing seems the same,
but as God calls us one by one,
the Chain will link again.

A poem someone gave us yesterday that hit home greatly.

I am ever so glad you are now safe in the arms of your Savior, Jonathan; though I greatly miss you each and every day. You are free to fly with strength and grace now, never to be limited by your condition, but I long to see you, hold you, and be with you as soon as I am allowed to do so.

(Read Jonathan's story HERE)

In Memory of...

My wife and I were surprised at what we received in the mail this week. A large envelope addressed to our deceased son Jonathan brought a curious look to our faces. I opened it to find a small stack of pages stapled together, with a photo on the cover from the movie Pirates of the Caribbean, and words saying "In the memory of Captain Jack Sparrow of Imperial Fleet."

My son Jonathan was a huge Star Wars fan (as is his brother Alex), and he was a huge fan of online game play with others around the world. There are many, many Star Wars based computer games available, and I believe we have probably owned most all of them. For many years they have played all of the various versions of the games Jedi Knight and in recent years had become active in online teams and group play.

This stack of pages was a series of short comments and writings from people from all over the world, who had been a part of the Jedi Knight team and server play that my sons had been involved on. My son Jonathan's character screen name was Captain Jack Sparrow (another movie he liked). He had joined and played on the Imperial Fleet Clan for quite a while, and the people of that team, upon hearing of his death, put together this little memorial and mailed it to us, Jonathan's parents, as well as to his brother Alex.

As I read through page after page of comments, mostly from pre-teen and teens, I was seeing how my son's life had effected and been recognized by others. I wish to share some of these comments. There was a page with a map showing the location of most all clan members as well as an introductory paragraph stating:

This is a letter of remembrance to the family of Captain Jack Sparrow, a player on our Star Wars: Jedi Knights Jedi Academy server, Vengeance Lugormod, and an active participant of our community on and off the server. Now that we understand he was sick, we understand that his playing on our server and membership in our clan, Imperial Fleet, must have given him a lot of joy, which we are honored for providing. In no particular order, this letter compiles everything that our community has to say about his unfortunate and terrible passing. He is in our hearts, and we care about him, and will always care about him. We hope you are all feeling well.

Now here is a snippet from some of the comments from various members made about him:

Jack was an excellent member, and excellent friend, and an excellent contributor to this community....He was a great merc - a great sniper. He was respectful, honorable, nice, honest, and dependable. He was patient and consistent, he was alert and aware, he was humble and responsible. He was calm, he was optimistic, and always in a good mood. He was encouraging to lower ranked members, and a great warrior.

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He was a friendly guy and a great guy to have around on the server. He always helped me entertain and keep order, but do it in a good way. He never hurt anyone and he always tried to help everybody out, even people that didn't like him.

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Jack Sparrow, you were a great friend and an AWESOME clan member! We all love you! I can't believe I'm hearing this, Jack, you were one of the best members in our clan, and we all loved you. May the force be with you.

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Uhhh, this is horrible, I'm crying. I am also so sorry for this. Jackie'O was a good friend of mine. Always so happy, funny, never angry, never told about his sickness....I was a bit angry at him, I don't like people who quit stuff without telling about it, but I never thought the reason is anything like this.

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Tell Jack's family that he was a great friend, and never once did I think, oh darn, Jack is coming on. Whenever I saw JackSparrow is connecting it would make my day a little better, and the server won't be the same without him around...We'll miss you Jack, you were always cool, and calm and collected, we will miss you greatly. I am a little dizzy from all of this...Rest in Peace.

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I am also deeply saddended by this. Jack was a good friend to me, even before I applied to IF. He was a friend, a buddy, a pal. He was on the server a lot, always happy to help someone with an issue or something someone didn't understand...Jack was one of my best friends in JKA, and now he is gone, and it feels like something was taken from me and the whole Vengeance Community.

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I am truly sorry about your loss. Jack was by far the nicest guy I have ever met in this game. I never heard a mean or hateful thing from him ever; we can all learn a lesson from him.

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I'm gonna miss this guy. I remember that Jack was one of the many members of this community who kept us (IF and P) from turning against each other when our relationship was less than pleasant.

It was great to hear how his loving and caring personality was seen even across the electronic world of gaming. We really appreciate hearing these things, and were amazed that an online community of young kids would be so thoughtful as to put together and mail this memorial document and mail it to us.

Losing My Child: Living In and Through Grief (Pt 3)

OK, now turning attention to the book Good Grief as previously discussed. The book is basically an examination of a ten step process that most all people in grief experience in some form or another. So, let us start with step one: State of Shock.

Most everyone experiencing a traumatic experience...a life altering experience, go through a period of shock. During this time, the pain and grief may not hit home, and we don't immediately feel the effects of the situation in front of us. While this stage of the process can vary in the amount of time it from minutes to hours to days, it should not last for weeks. If it last too long, it can become unhealthy, not just mentally/emotionally, but also physically.

This stage can help us to to maintain some rationality in the face of tragedy; to keep from breaking into complete panic. Often times, people who have never experienced grief of extreme nature, will view those who have and are in this stage, as having great faith and strength. This can be seen as a great emotional mechanism in times like these, and glory be to God for giving us this short time of "control."

The important point with this stage, is that it should not last long, and one of the ways to break through this stage is to get back on the horse and get active with life again. If we allow ourselves to be too idle, or refuse to proceed on, then it can prolong this stage to unhealthy ends. Loved ones, in a effort to "help out" can often prolong this stage, by trying too hard to take over the normal life processes in an effort to relieve your stress. The important thing to do is to get back to life, get back to being busy, get back to a normal pace.

Unfortunately for me, this stage was forced upon me and quite painfully so. Since I run the mail order book store, orders didn't stop during this time, and getting them out quickly is required often, so I had to get back to business the very day of my son's passing. On top of that, I had spent the prior two years teaching my son Jonathan as much about the business as I could, and he was the one responsible for the daily pulling, packing, labeling and mailing of all packages. This was his main source of income, since he was basically too weak to get any other normal job (though he greatly desired and spoke of his wish to get a "real" job. So, for me to get back in and take over the packages, I was essentially doing my son's job, and that tore me up even more each and every day I did it. I still, to this day, over six weeks later, can see him sitting at my desk doing the job, and it brings tears to my eyes for me to do so.

After about four weeks, I finally got the will power and desire up to begin teaching my son Alex this job. Beginning from scratch, teaching someone all over again, was also a painful process, as it too brought back so many memories of the way Jonathan did things, and the depth and understanding that he had acquired that I now had to walk through in small steps for Alex. Fortunately, he has caught on quickly, and is doing a fine job now, so it has helped.

So, while I still feel a twinge of that shock, mainly do to my unanswered questions I can't seem to let go of, I do feel that for all intents and purposes, I did quickly pass through this first stage, into the second stage...emotion.
 

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Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
 

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Losing My Child: Living In and Through Grief (Pt 2)

In beginning to continue to deal with the issue of grief, and this little book I mentioned in part one, called Good Grief I wish to start by being transparent, to a degree that might be somewhat embarrassing to me, but hopefully somewhat therapeutic in the end (according to the book).

The past four-plus weeks since my son's death have been pretty horrible emotionally, as would be expected, but the oddest thing has been the struggle between the mental me and the emotional me. This was an aspect of grieving I never expected to be this way. I have been through deaths in the past, with my mother who I was very close with, passed unexpectedly a bit over six years ago, and all four of my grandparents have passed in the last twenty years or so (one grandmother just last year).

I occasionally wonder about the true spiritual estate of those relatives that have passed, especially my mother, who talked-the-talk of Christianity, and was regularly in attendance at a local, though fairly liberal church. She was loving, kind, caring and helpful to just about everyone she met, and spoke often of the things of God. It is just that she spoke of things that were outside the realm of orthodox, biblical Christianity, such as odd spiritual events and happenings, and ways God would "speak" or communicate with her, guardian angels, things like that. Her knowledge of biblical Christianity seemed shallow, and I often wondered if her faith was "true" enough to get her to heaven.

With Jonathan, my mind and heart play different games with me. My greatest fear is, did I do enough...did I live as a good enough witness to the faith to pass a true faith to my son? Did I teach him enough for his salvation? Did I instill enough truth in him to get him into God's loving arms? In looking back, I see how with each new child that came along, the older ones got a bit less of my attention. Jonathan being the oldest, had I lost connection with him? Did he know just how much I truly loved him? Did I say/display it enough? Was I close enough to him in his later teens years as I should have been?

Many weeks before his death, I had been giving serious thought to how best to begin a one-on-two Bible study with the two oldest boys, with the intent of giving them more attention for the struggles they were to meet in these teen years, and the coming young adult years; some "man" time and discussions to prepare them. Not getting to do this just leads to more "did I do enough" thoughts in my mind. This is what my emotions were (and still are) yelling at me.

My intellectual, theological mind was fighting in an opposite direction. Salvation and faith come from the Lord, and not from my works directly. Jonathan professed a faith in Christ; he spoke openly about his faith. He lived based on his faith, and was a very good son. His medical condition came with an aspect of anti-social behavior, so it was harder for him to make friends. Therefore, he wasn't very active outside the house with other young boys, or out and about getting into who-knows-what possible trouble when outside my sight. His condition kept him home and with the family more than usual, which is where he was actually more comfortable it seemed. So, I knew he wasn't out living a scandalous lifestyle. Every time my wife or I would try to instruct him on things to not do or stay away from, his most common response was, "why would I even think about doing that?" as if the very idea was too stupid to consider. All this to say, externally, I am pretty confident he was not involved in any grievous sinful living. So mentally, I recognize he lived an externally faithful life; but emotionally the thought was, had I taught him enough.

The other aspect of the emotional verses the intellectual struggle, was over the realm of his actual death. Intellectually, I know God is sovereign, and every aspect surrounding my son's death was in his hands and controlled...there were no accidents or way to have prevented this. Yet, my emotional side keeps throwing out the "what if" thoughts. What if I had checked his oxygen level when I came home at 3AM...was something noticeably wrong then that I could have corrected? What if we had pushed to start the latest IV treatments a month earlier? What if we had taken him to the hospital Saturday? Should I have stayed home Saturday night to monitor him myself instead of leaving? Would I have been able to do something? What if...what if...what if....!

Then there is the constant search for an answer behind why he passed unexpectedly. Was the last IV treatment somehow responsible? Was it the oxygen, or a malfunction in the machine? Was the diet right; did we miss some other important food allergy that could have caused this? Was there anything in the last few meals he ate that could have caused it? With all aspects of Saturday night being so positive (his oxygen level, pulse, good sleep, etc.), how could this have happened? Why...why...WHY?!?

These questions plague me, yet I know mentally that no matter what the answer to any of these is, no answer will bring him back to me. In trying to relay the emotional feelings in this to others, I have told others it feels like one of my kids is wounded, and I need to go find help and bring it back to rescue them. Yet with each and everyday that passes, I get further and further away from my wounded child, and the hope of getting back to him in time to save him become less likely each day. This of course makes me not want to go on another day longer (let it be known, I have a melancholy temperament, so depression can set in easily); even though I know I have five more little ones (and a wife) that need me even more now (I keep having to tell myself what Spock said...the needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the one). Mentally, my mind says "what the heck are you talking about...stop it!" but that is kind of what the feeling is like. I tell myself no matter what the answer, no matter any of the "what if" responses, he is gone and nothing will bring him back to me. Yet this mental knowledge gets overshadowed by the emotional day after day.

Then there is the aspect of the physical versus the spiritual. My mental, theological mind knows all of the standard biblical answers: he is with God...he is in a better place...he is no longer weak or limited...he is happier now than ever...he awaits me on the other side...etc. etc. etc.. My emotional side though, has that little voice saying...is he? What if I am wrong about my religious beliefs? Is there really hope? These thoughts make me wonder if I am having a crisis of faith? Has this tragedy pushed me over the edge, away from God?

Well, that is one aspect of this little book "Good Grief" has been helpful. It turns out that pretty much every one of these feelings, questions, and crisis issues are discussed in the book as being typical to varying degrees. While that doesn't take away the pain or the struggle, it does give me hope that I can survive this with mentally and emotionally as many other before me have. I will share more specifics on what the book says, in upcoming posts.
 

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Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
 

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Losing My Child: Living In and Through Grief (Pt 1)

Well, it has been just over four weeks since my oldest son, Jonathan Charles McCormack unexpectedly passed away, drastically effecting me in ways I would have never expected. A lot has taken place in the past four weeks, making it feel like many months of time.

I have not posted anything on this blog in the past few weeks for many obvious reasons, the biggest being lack of desire to do much of anything, much less deep thinking, theological discussions, or much of anything.

Shortly after Jonathan's passing, a friend shared with me a story of a local pastor that had lost a son and had written a detailed blog about their struggles during their time. He mentioned a book called "Good Grief" that was mentioned as being helpful to this pastor. I did not give much thought to it beyond that. Then about a week and a half later, out of the blue, a co-worker came to my office and handed me a copy of this very book, asking me if I had heard of it. I told her oddly I have, and thanked her for the copy.

The booklet is a pocket sized, 64 page work, with short, easy-to-read chapters. I finished reading it today.

While I can't say the book made me feel emotionally any better, it did reveal that the very feelings and thoughts I am going through on a daily basis are very common to what most everyone goes through in grief. So, I am normal it seems, and am acting normal considering; but it points out some things to look out for in the grieving process. If not handled correctly, grieving can impact life negatively for years to come, which is not the way it should be.

The book is written by a minster named Granger E. Westberg way back in 1962, so while it is older than me, it appears that nothing has really changed in the dealing-with-grief area of life. His comments were not only applicable, but were so dead on in many places, that I swore he knew me and my current situation personally.

What I would like to do over the next few days of postings, is to relay some of the key issues from the book, and how they hit me where I currently am. Even though I have finished reading through this booklet once, I believe reading it again, and putting down some thoughts here will help me to apply it further, and hopefully aid in the grieving process I am still currently stuck in. I hope you will allow me to indulge my emotions some here, and not flee from reading any of my blog postings. I promise, once I get my mind back in line with my emotions to where I can think again, I will be writing on more interesting things.

For those following our progress, the family is fine, all things considered, and we're trying each day to get back into a normal life mode. My head still swims around the event, I still cry almost daily, and have to keep reminding myself that life must go on (yes, I must keep reminding myself of that). Fortunately I have five children (man, that is so odd to say after being so used to saying six), and a wife, so my attention stays more focused on them, which helps. I still have very little desire to do much but mope around, and even with my great love of music, I often wish to just quit it also. But, the book directly addresses that, so it gives me hope as we shall see. It is the alone and quiet times that are the worst battle, but battle them I must.

Thanks to all my family and friends who have been a big support during this time. As always, your continued prayers during this rough time is much appreciated.
 

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Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
 

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Jonathan Charles McCormack 09/06/91 - 05/17/09

On Sunday morning, May 17th 2009, I was started awake by my wife's frantic cry "come quick, I think Jonathan is dead!" That day...those words...and the image of my oldest, beloved son's lifeless body on our couch, will forever be etched in my memory.

For those of you who were not aware of my son's situation, here is a brief overview of the situations leading up to this day of loss for our family.

Jonathan was born a normal child on Sept 6th 1991. He grew as a normal child with little to no health issues.

When he reached his pre-teen years, it was noticed that he was a bit thin, but it was never considered an issue or health problem. Due to the thinness and lack of much muscle structure he had issues with sports, having to quit baseball after one season.